Where do I begin? I find myself visiting the past more often than not these days. Those wonderful, happy times when I still had the most precious and closest friends by my side. I know that everything happens for a reason, but I think I'm still stuck because I haven't found that reason and many times I find myself asking why it all happened the way it did. Lost everyone, hurt and broken. I miss what once were sorely, and it brings me to tears all the time knowing I can never have such bonds with anyone again. They say take heart in what you once had instead of hurting over what you've lost, but isn't it really the same thing?
- Sep 14, 2020
- 1 min read
That is the name of a folder I have in my hard disk, containing all the captured moments of the past years of my life. Tonight I revisited Memories by happenstance, and it got me feeling a mix of emotions, mostly bittersweet. You know the feeling, "we were once..."? Were makes it bitter, and the fact that they could be retained as precious memories makes it sweet. We were once in love, we were once in a tight bond, we were once happy altogether. Seeing the smiles on their faces, everyone huddled in close and happy for a family shot, candid of the ones in love, silly selfies and laughter, then realising they once were.
Photographs really capture a moment that is gone forever.
- May 21, 2018
- 3 min read
I guess tonight is one of those nights. Incessant mind-chatters, thoughts going to all of the deep, dark and sad places. Feeling an all time low on humanity and love, filling myself with never ending questions that have no answers and unintentionally plaguing my heart with doubts and insecurities. It's the kind of night where talking to somebody wouldn't help.
If you know me well enough, you will know that every single day of my life, I find myself abhorred at how ugly and disgusting humans are and can be. From simple and common things like hypocrisy, being rude/inconsiderate and being fake, to more complicated issues like various crimes, rape and murder. As much as I try to see the good in people, I get reminded day after day of how ugly this world is; how scary humans truly are. Day to day observations of inconsiderate commuters on the public transport, rude and self-entitled adults, how fake everyone can be. Daily news of small to big crimes around the world. I often find myself asking, "why?" Why do they have to be so impatient? Why do they have to be so fake? Why do they have to be so rude? Why do they have to be so inconsiderate? Why do they have to rob? Why do they have to rape? Why do they have to abuse? Why do they have to kill?...and the list of why goes on. I know, I am human as well. To be honest, sometimes that reality scares me too. But because I feel so much negativity about the human race, I try every day to be a good decent person.
And the thing about love? It is too complex for me to put the entirety of my thoughts into words, there are so many areas I would like to tap into. The thing about love is that everyone yearns for it. Some of them deserves it. Most of them gets wrecked by it. The thing about love is that like life, it is an exceedingly fragile thing. Beautiful to have, frightening to lose. There are countless of couples out there portraying the most loving side of themselves, so pure and sweet and true that whoever sees will be undeniably envious. But how many of these couples actually end up marrying and living the rest of their lives together till death do them part? I find the fragility of love truly heartbreaking. It saddens me, how people change at an astronomical rate and love and words itself have cheapened to this extent. How sex is no longer of a sacred, meaningful, beautiful and soulful emotional connection between man and wife, but is now of a common, typical act between the genders, with or without the encompassing of true love. To be brute, majority of people have made themselves so easy now. Men and women's chastities have become nothing but old-fashioned and outdated, and cheapened. And that itself is sorely saddening.
I find it desolate how words have been devalued. How people can go from one relationship to the next, saying the same things they have said to each person. e.g. I love you, I want to marry you, I won't leave you, etc. Too many words on repeat from one individual to the next, how much of it do they really mean? It is so sad, how you can give your all to someone, be with him/her for years, and still end up falling apart. You can be the best partner, yet still end up being cheated on. You can love someone like he/she is your entire world, and you can still end up being abandoned by your world because of change. You can love and live for someone, and still end up being not good enough. You can marry, and end up getting a divorce. There are so much to lose, investing your feelings and getting into a relationship. Yet we would all choose to get into it over and over again. Pray every day, despite the digging insecurities, that this one will be worth it.
Summarized most of my thoughts into this post - I could write a book if I didn't. Ha. Time to rest my chattering mind. Good night.